God’s love is not more or less

love, MS, Uncategorized

For some reason I tend to have a wrong way of thinking sometimes that God’s love for me is measured by my circumstances. Today is day NINE. Nine good days in a row and I am celebrating!!! Since the beginning of September, I’ve had more physically bad days than good with weird neurological/auto-immune symptoms that look like MS. I detest clichés, but they are cliché because they are true; so bear with me on the following statement: We don’t really appreciate good health until we don’t have it. Right now, I truly appreciate good health.

God loves me just as much on my bad physical days as He does on these good ones. God’s love for me on my wallowing-in-self-pity-ugly-cry-days is not an iota more or less than on a great day like today. Today I power-walked around neighborhood lakes. It was glorious! However, I am reminding myself of this truth: God’s favor and love for me today is no greater than on my days when I could do nothing but lay there on the couch.

God is love. He is always love and always good. The depth of His love and concern for me is never dependent on my circumstances.

Wal-Mart beauty queen

MS

Today I began a three-day ambulatory EEG. That means my brainwaves are being monitored 24/7 for a few days, and I look like this:

Wow!

It’s really sort of fascinating…There are loads of thingamabobs attached to my scalp, a couple on my collar bones, and wires coming from all of them. The white thing I’m holding are all of the wires wrapped all pretty in white cloth.

I can be really vain, but boy, I realized this today on a different level. I realized that I had nothing of substance for lunch or dinner….AFTER I had all of this stuff attached to me. Therefore I went to Wal-Mart. I was really nervous and took a picture of myself on my phone, then sent to a friend to ask if I looked too much like a freak to enter a store. Her response was, “Silly, Biore’ strips go on your nose.”  Yeah, she’s pretty funny!  I don’t know what this says about Wal-Mart, but no one even gave me a second glance when I walked through for 20 minutes looking like this:

It was kind of liberating! I thought that I would stay in my house for three days as a hermit, to avoid being seen. It was great! People still ignored me or smiled at me as usual. No big deal, walking through the store with a bandaged scalp. I felt like a radiant beauty queen at my local Wal-Mart. And now we have dinner to boot.

This is part of the diagnostic jumping through hoops to figure out if I have MS or seizures, or some kind of weird migraines. I’m excited to find out the results!

Here I am with jazz hands

Pretzel brain

MS, suffering

There are times when we can be our own worst enemy. Take the past two weeks, for instance. Facing the real possibility that I may have MS has been on the forefront of my mind. In the past two weeks, there have only been a handful of days that I have been well enough to do some of my normal activities. That’s got me thinking a lot about suffering and why God allows it.  I have asked so many questions:

Is this a chastisement for a sin? Is God really enough for me? Why??? Will I ever feel better? Jesus is a Healer; will He heal me?

I’ve had plenty of time to think since rest has been mandatory, make that TOO much time to think….sometimes it felt like my mind was twisted into a pretzel!

nightbaking.blogspot.com

Honestly, I’ve been wracking my brain and studying the Bible to see how Jesus responds to the sick and suffering. I’ve read blogs and books on the topic. Friends have given their perspective. Nonetheless, I felt like I have been hitting my head against a brick wall trying to make sense of it all. It’s finally boiled down to these simple truths that I know: God is love. (1 John 4:8) He is good, and everything He does is good. (Psalm 119:68) When I don’t understand my circumstances, I can trust the heart of God to do good things in the midst of difficulty.

Here are some of the things I’m learning:

1. Humility. Self-sufficiency is being stripped daily. I am having to admit that I am weak right now. Words cannot express how much I hate that! Admitting that I am physically weak and need help is good for me; I just don’t like it. A friend recently pointed out that this is a good thing, because if we aren’t needy people, how can we recognize that we need God?

2. To accept help. I’m learning that I can only accept help from others after I have embraced humility and let go of self-sufficient pride. I’m American, so I was born with the “pull up your bootstraps and git ‘er done” mentality. Accepting help flies in the face of all that Americans hold dear. There is a balance here, because if I let myself get into a victim-type of mentality, there would be the temptation to just give up on an active life and let people do everything for me. Accepting help has been really hard for me. It’s simple things, like carpool and making dinner or cleaning the kitchen, or laundry, that are revealing the sin of self-sufficiency in my heart. I believe God’s heart is that instead of self-sufficient, we should be God-sufficient. How can we accept free gifts from God like love, salvation, or grace, if we can’t let our friend help us with carpool?

3. People love me. Wow. People love me. And they want to help.

4. Some things are beyond my ability to understand. It’s healthy to read and research a topic concerning God, asking Him for insight and clarity. However, there comes a point when we must accept the reality that our finite minds can’t comprehend the magnificent complexity of God.

franchisefool.com

Psalm 119:68 You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees.

1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.